Finding Her

As I look in the mirror and ask the question of finding me today,
I try to find the meaning of knowing what it means to live a day more.
I wake up every day wondering if I shall even breathe normal today….
My heart hurts,
my stomach turns and my head is in a spin
for I don’t know how to deal with me from within.
I go around walking this earth trying to raise a man
that God has given to me so I can go forth.
My heart yearns for healing
but at the same time I just want to lay down
and die from the pain that my soul can not even begin to explain
the depths of hell I have been living in.
I go around smiling as if my life is one beauty pageant
knowing deep down inside I’m living a lie
of unhappiness because YOU brought that to me
and now every time you walk out that door,
my mind starts to wander and wonder if you are going out to explore.
I can’t deal with the conception of not trust
but is it my fault that I put you on that pedal still
and assumed never you would ever stray or end up being that double edge sword;
the one I adore or the one I wish I could ignore.
I want to talk,
I want to walk,
I want to be me but I can’t find her;
she is lost not knowing who she is or what she stands for.
I wake up to pray that a solution may appear and my frown may disappear;
My soul needs to find its place and
my heart needs to be healed and surrounded by love that should be for real.
I am a mother and a wife but who am I?
I look in the mirror every day say,” Do you think you can find her today?”